"I probably write in some capacity for about 50 hours a week. But I love it, and it's a joy."
Meet Rebecca, a journalist and writer who raised her daughter as a single parent before meeting her new partner.
It’s Saturday which means your latest instalment of Double Shift!
PS. If you need a new listen this weekend, check out Help Me, I’m Poor! Ellie’s new podcast with Clare Seal (formerly @myfrugalyear) all about money through the lens of our favourite pop culture characters and shows. You can also follow along via Instagram here.
Have a lovely week, everyone!
Ella and Ellie x
Today we’re chatting to Rebecca, a writer of all sorts whose main gig is journalism in terms of time, but who is also a playwright, novelist and screenwriter. Rebecca was a single mum to her daughter and they now co-habit with her partner and husband-to-be.
Can you share your journey to becoming a parent?
I got married very young (for London) and then waited a long time to get pregnant. My -ex-husband and I had a semi unplanned pregnancy in 2019, which ended in a missed miscarriage which really messed me up and contributed to some pretty major anxiety issues. I got pregnant again in 2021 after six months of trying, during which I acted like someone who'd been trying for years. I was on the forums, taking ovulation tests twice a day, getting acupuncture - the list goes on and on. My daughter was born in 2022 and my husband and I split up about four months after she was born.
Did you save ahead of time for your child?
I had such a robust savings account before I got pregnant. When I had my daughter I think I had about 40K in savings, and by the time she turned one I think I had about 2? I'd need to check the exact numbers but it was stark.
What is your current working situation?
I'm self-employed and I work full time, but on my own time. I write for an hour or two most evenings, I do corporate gigs whenever I can get them, I probably write in some capacity for about 50 hours a week. But I love it, and it's a joy.
How do your employer or clients support you in balancing work and parenting?
They don't - but in fairness I've never asked them to. I've got terrible internalised judgement and somehow feel like I'll never get used again if I ask for any kind of accommodation, which is the exact opposite of what I ask other women to do in their careers.
Can you walk me through a typical working day for you and your family?
My partner and I do the school run together in the morning, because he drives and I don't. This cuts down our morning routine dramatically and means we get to have a sing-a-long in the car. I get home, he goes into the office, I sit at the kitchen table and work until I'm starving, then I make lunch and write more. I pick my daughter up at 5.30, bring her home, do her tea, we play (or watch the telly if I'm feeling run down), then we do a wash of some description, pyjamas, stories and bed. My other half also writes, so often we'll write together for an hour, or swap work. I make dinner - either while he talks to me, or he works more. We eat together at the table and then he cleans up while I stare at my phone. If I didn't love my work it would be tiring, but it's a joy.
What role does your partner or co-parent play in managing childcare and household responsibilities?
I started as a single parent, so I knew that anyone I brought into my home needed to be a net positive and my standards were aggressively high. My partner does 50% of the domestic labour, and we pay for a cleaner as a split expense. She comes every other week which means the bulk of the hardest work isn't done by either of us. I find that not sharing any tasks, instead having total sovereignty over one area, really helps. So I do 100% of the cooking, the Ocado order and anything involving food. He does 100% of the clearing up. I do my daughter's bedtime because she's my daughter - he cleans up downstairs while I'm doing that, because while he has to do less of the parenting, he can pick up more slack elsewhere to give me some decent downtime. I'm aware that I am very lucky - but then it's not entirely luck because I would never have got into a domestic partnership with someone who wasn't this helpful.
What type of childcare do you use and how did you decide on it?
I have a childminder who is the greatest thing ever to happen to me. I met another woman with a daughter of the same name on the bus, a couple of years ago. I asked what she did about childcare, she gave me Maria's number and the rest is history. She's located in a pretty central part of London so we are tied to living here until we're done having children and any kids we do have are school age, because I know how great I have it. It's all the best parts of a nursery with the closeness of a nanny. She's really understanding about letting them come in with a slight cold, and almost never sends the kids home - unless they really do need their mums/dads. I am evangelical about the joys of childminders, I think they are such an underrated answer to the struggles of balancing work and parenting.
Do you receive any funded hours for childcare?
I get 15 hours at the moment and when it kicked in my life was dramatically better. I'm counting down the days until 30.
How much is your monthly childcare bill, and how does it impact your family's finances and budgeting?
It's a lot better than it used to be. At one point it was about £550 a week. At the moment it's £300 a week, but I have a babysitter on Monday mornings for a few hours which is pretty expensive. When my hours kick in it should go down to about £180 a week which will be life changing. I also spend about £60 a week on a babysitter, as I find it makes a marked difference to my quality of life if I get out for an evening on a regular basis.
How do you feel about your current work situation?
I'm happy - I'd like more work and I'd like more money - but I have the biggest privilege of all which is flexibility.
What are the biggest challenges you face with your current work arrangement?
I think working in a creative industry the only real struggle is getting enough work. I want to be busy - if I've got unanswered emails and people ringing me, that's a sign that my dreams are coming true. I'm always terrified that it's all going to go away.
If you could change one thing about your work or childcare situation, what would it be?
I'd live closer to my childminder. It's a 25 minute walk to collect her, but if you've ever taken a toddler for a walk you'll know that 25 minutes in adult world is not 25 minutes with a small child who wants to stop and look at everything. The round trip to do pick-up can often take 90 minutes.
How has your perspective on work and career changed since becoming a parent?
Has it changed? Yes and no. I've always loved working and I've always been striving for more and better. The pressure is greater now because my child's quality of life directly correlates to how much work I've got on. I'm also more proud of myself now. I love that her clothes and her ballet lessons and her books are paid for by my writing. I'm converting an activity I love into things and experiences for her.
What advice would you give to other working parents trying to balance their careers and family life?
I am not a good example of good work life balance. The only advice I'll give is that if you love work, it's very natural to find the early months of motherhood difficult. The women who love maternity leave are often the ones who've had to work in high pressure, low fun jobs where their movements are monitored. If your job is easy and fun - like mine - parenting will seem harder.
How do you handle moments of stress or overwhelm related to balancing work and parenting?
I don't find it stressful, honestly. I fully accept that there's a limit to what I can do as a parent and I don't feel guilty for cutting corners. I know my child feels loved and is safe and happy, and if sometimes she watches Moana while I write a column, that's fine. I'd also remind you that you can just lie about how you parent. If you feel shamed for using screens or childcare, just tell judgemental strangers that you don't!
How do you prioritise self-care and personal time amid your busy schedule?
Lol. I do not. In all seriousness, I get more energy from writing than it takes from me. Also I work from home so I get a lot of silence in the day, which is a joy. I'm also lucky that cooking, which I have to do in order to feed the family, is one of my favourite ways to decompress. I think trying to find the most upbeat, enthusaistic attitude to the things you 'have' to do is probably pretty helpful. I try to say 'I get to' or 'I want to' or 'I'm going to' instead of 'I have to'. - a tiny change but it helps. Also, I ask for help. I let other people hold my baby from day one, because I wanted them to feel equally connected to her, and that's really stuck. My child is a family group project and they all take turns doing the heavy lifting so that I can go on holiday, go out for dinner, all the stuff that makes you feel human. Don't be a martyr.