"I was made to feel guilty for parental leave days"

Meet a mum with a new employer that supports her parental commitment.

Welcome back to Double Shift. And hello to over 300 (!!) of you! How are you? Over on our side, Ella is neck-deep in the throes of threenager angst (the ANGST!) and Ellie is working on her own juggle as her little one began childcare this year. It’s all going on!

As always, we love hearing from you - and if you know anyone who’d be a great contributor to Double Shift, please send them our way!

Ella and Ellie x

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This week we meet Emily, who works as a learning and development manager at Alzheimer’s Research UK. She lives in Suffolk with her husband and son, Archie, who is 3.

What is your approximate household income?

£120k

Can you share your journey to becoming a parent?

We were very fortunate to fall pregnant within the first month. I used ovulation sticks to help me know when we the best time to try. Not too many challenges, just health along the way. Heartburn and I really struggled pelvic girdle pain. I was struggling to walk, it hurt to move in my sleep and to get up out of bed. I also had carpal tunnel in my wrists which I never knew was a thing!

Did you save ahead of time for your child? What did maternity leave look like for you?

We saved a bit, but not enough to see me through maternity leave. Thankfully my husband is an Excel whizz and a planner. So everything we needed to buy was planned out with costings and purchased across the last few months of my pregnancy to spread the cost. My husband had just moved jobs when I gave birth so he had to take one week's holiday and another week unpaid. I took 9 months off - I had 6 weeks at full pay and for the rest I got an extra £50 per week from my employer. I loved my time off, but I wasn’t ready to go back to work and really struggled with going back to work (I also started a new job which made it and the last few months of maternity harder because I didn’t know where I was going and it felt scary leaving a job I loved in London, but I wasn’t prepared for the commute each week). I also had postpartum depression which I didn’t know at the time, which played a big impact on my emotions throughout my entire maternity leave. I found it REALLY hard and felt like I was failing at being a mum. Maternity leave was lovely though and I had a great time meeting new mums, many who I’m still friends with now - and I had a lovely NCT group who I met with every week.

What is your current working situation?

I’m now in a new job where I’m working full-time (35 hours in my company) across 4 days. I only have to go into the office on 2 of those days and have flexibility on my start and end times.

How does your employer support you in balancing work and parenting?

Really well. The first place I worked at when returning to work did not support me at all, I was really overwhelmed and I didn’t know what to do. I was made to feel guilty for parental leave days if I had to leave early because of Archie being ill at nursery and I wasn’t given any support with being a parent. I was essentially told that I should be lucky to even be working 4 days a week.

However, at my new employer it’s completely different. We even get 2 paid parental days a year. My manager and company in general supports flexible working. We get to choose when we start and finish as long as we do our contracted hours in a day and can even choose if we want to take a lunch, or just have 30 mins. I’m supported if I’m required to leave early for pick-up or any nursery events.

Can you walk me through a typical working day for you and your family? How do you manage the juggle?

It’s definitely a struggle some days depending on if I’m in my office, if my husband is in London or if it’s a nursery day. Every morning feels hectic and I live for the days we can breathe and have a slow morning.

Often I wake up before my son so I try to get up between 6/6:30 so I can get ready before him so that when he wakes I can give my attention to him fully. I help him get ready for nursery or to be with my MIL and I then leave at 7 for work. My partner will then walk my son to nursery and I’ll leave work at around 5pm for 6pm nursery pick up.

But the days my husband in London can be tough as I have to be in 3 different locations at different times, so I often go to work late on these days to drop my son off at nursery and my husband at the train station. And other days I literally take my son and put him in the car with his pjs and milk and we head straight my MIL first thing in the morning. The days I’m solo parenting can really feel hectic.

I don’t even want to think what will happen when we bring the school run into it!

What role does your partner play in managing childcare and household responsibilities?

My husband is very hands on when it comes to the household. He supports with a lot of the tasks such as cleaning and we share cooking. I’m not ashamed to say he takes on more than me!

However I am the default parent, which does make things tricky as my son mainly wants me in the mornings. I will do the planning of his outfits, his food, his nursery bag, the mental load of looking after a child sits very much with me, which I feel shouldn’t be taken for granted.

We have a great balance however of splitting up bed times and my husband naturally does more of the nursery runs. It’s very much a team effort all round - it’s exhausting and some days I feel like we barely talk to each other.

What type of childcare do you use and how did you decide on it?

We currently use nursery 3 days a week, my MIL helps 1 day a week and I have my son one day a week. But it took a long time to get here. With nursery fees and lack of space at nursery, my son could only do 2 days a week for a long time (and when an extra day came up, so did our mortgage so we had to turn it down the first time round). I’m very lucky I have a great MIL who isn’t working a job (but is an carer) and is willing to help support as much as she can. I actually don’t know what we would do without her. The nursery is right round the corner from us and is a great one, so this was a no-brainer. It fits in well with our life.

Do you receive any funded hours for childcare?

We now receive the 15 hours.

How much is your monthly childcare bill, and how does it impact your family's family's finances and budgeting?

£700. Our nursery spreads out the cost over the year since the hours only include term time. With him going up to 3 days it takes a big chunk. So we’re looking forward to when we get the 30 hours as that will really help support us.

Even though we’re a high-income family, our mortgage went up a lot and we have debt to pay off from a wedding and moving. So, things have felt very tight over the last year and I keep wondering if I’ll ever stop worrying about money at the moment.

How do you feel about your current work situation?

I’m really happy. In the ideal world, I would love to work one day less so I could spend time with Archie. But I am very happy with how it is because I have such great flexibility and I know I’m not going to miss out on things and can still pick him up.

What are the biggest challenges you face with your current work arrangement?

Thankfully, none right now.

If you could change one thing about your work or childcare situation, what would it be?

The cost. It’s so much to send him to nursery it really impacts our finances. Swimming lessons have had to stop as it’s just not been able to be a priority for us right now.

How has your perspective on work and career changed since becoming a parent?

Yes. I was always very career-driven. And don’t get me wrong I still care and I want to succeed. But currently, I’m happy just doing my thing, going to work and coming home without too much stress. Home life is far more important than any job will ever be to me.

What advice would you give to other working parents trying to balance their careers and family life?

Get as much done the night before as you ca. Bags, packing the car etc. In the morning I can be so tired, especially if we all had a rough night. So the mornings can be hazy. So having everything done (including breakfast and lunch for myself ready to take to work with me!) really helps me feel on top of things and that nothing isn’t forgotten. But to also, be kind to yourself. The house will be a mess, it’s hard being passing ships with your husband. But let the house be a mess if it means you get 30 minutes to sit down with your partner to find out about your day. It’s nice to have a clean home but it’s nicer to have a loving and happy home.