"My children always come first and work knows that."
Meet Emma, who co-parents her children with her ex-husband.
Good morning!
How are we all?
Hello to the new faces around here - I’ve seen another influx of new faces and I LOVE IT. I’m currently writing this a week in advance, sitting in Sophie’s on Shaftesbury Avenue on a Thursday afternoon. You know when you’re deep in early motherhood and can’t imagine ever doing something like that again? Well, it comes.
Sending love and lots of coffee if you need it. May your children put their shoes on when asked first time and may they eat what you put in front of them with no questions asked. You’ve got this x
Ella x
Today we meet Emma, a Senior Inclusive Research Executive for a fantastic company called Open Inclusion! She has two children, a boy aged 15 and a girl aged 12 (going on 18!). She separated from their dad eight years ago and they share parenting 50 / 50. She currently lives with her partner, who is an awesome step-dad!
What is your current working situation?
Full-time employment, working remotely. But in the past, I have worked part-time, in the office and hybrid.
How does your employer support you in balancing work and parenting?
They don't question the need for any breaks / time away from my laptop that I may need to take. My children always come first and work knows that.
Can you walk me through a typical working day for you and your family? How do you manage the juggle?
I generally get up at 6am with my partner; he works in the construction industry so usually has very(!) early starts. Once he's gone to work I have about half an hour free before I have to try and wake the kids up. My son is pretty good at this, but my daughter hates being woken up!
During this free half an hour I tend to load and put the dishwasher on, make my son his sandwiches and do a general tidy up of the living room! Once they're up, I help my daughter with her hair and make-up before packing them off to school just before 8am! Phew!
This is where I get an hour for me - to do any bits and pieces that I want to do and usually have a warm coffee (the first one went cold!). I find if I make it a routine to get those few small jobs (that actually make a massive difference to my mood and lift me up for the day!) that I'm automatically feeling productive and good about myself. I feel like these easy wins then make me motivated at work!
When the kids get home from school - after the obligatory question of what they can have as a snack whilst I remind them not to spoil their tea - they get changed out of their uniform and are allowed to go and do what they enjoy for a couple of hours. I usually like doing their homework with them if I can (although my son's maths homework just makes my head hurt!), so I pick that up with them when I finish work.
Then it's onto making tea before the other half gets home. We eat together as a family and talk about our day, before going off and doing our own thing again (but usually this is together!). Sometimes, my son and I can have a gaming night while the other half and my daughter have a Rom Com / Horror film night, sometimes the boys will have a COD night and my daughter and I will have a bit of a pamper / girly night. :)
If the kids are at their dads then my partner and I usually try and spend and evening having cuddles on the sofa watching a film (or a programme we're currently binge-ing!) and then a night for us - where we each do our own bits and pieces for us.
What role does your co-parent play in managing childcare and household responsibilities?
Co-parent does his own thing - things haven't been the greatest since the separation, so we try to just focus on what we can control and not involve ourselves in the other household unless necessary.
My partner is out early in the morning and never really knows what time he'll be home - it always depends on the job on the day! So I tend to do housework as and when during my day (put a load of washing on here or there... etc!)
What type of childcare do you use and how did you decide on it?
When the kids were little, we were very lucky to have my mum who looked after the kids when I was at work.
How do you feel about your current work situation?
I like it at the minute - it fits with what works for our family. Now the children have got used to the fact that although I'm at home and actually still working (covid quickly sped that up!) it's a lot easier to manage. It was hard in the early days when the kids couldn't understand that.
What are the biggest challenges you face with your current work arrangement?
Managing my hours of work - because my desk is just in the corner of the living room I can sometimes have a tendency to get lost in work and lose track of time!
How has your perspective on work and career changed since becoming a parent?
I've realised how difficult it is to juggle work and childcare.
I never used to understand the phrase "We expect women to work like they don't have children and raise children like they don't have work," but it is so completely true.
You're in a constant state of feeling torn, sometimes guilty, wishing you didn't have to work, but then loving it at the same time because it gives you a separate identity from being "mum".
The hardest thing I've ever had to learn is how to balance and juggle literally everything: children, work, housework, time with my partner, time with each child, time as a family, time for me....I still struggle some days, but I just know that I'm doing the best I can!
What advice would you give to other working parents trying to balance their careers and family life?
For work, I tend to make a lot of lists of the things I need to do each day. I think I also have ADHD, so remembering everything can be really tough! I recently bought a day-to-day diary and use different coloured post-it notes for different aspects that I need to remember (yellow = work, purple = my daughter's things, blue = my son's things, pink = urgent things... etc) and it's helped massively! My ADHD means I need little dopamine hits to encourage me to complete a task, so for me, personally, there is nothing more satisfying than crossing off all those post-its I had in my diary! Such a satisfying feeling!
Trying to balance times with the kids is a little trickier - especially as their getting older and wanting to do their own thing. However, I would say, tea time together is important for us - it's a time when we definitely all come together and be with each other (all with a mutual interest of food!!!). I also really enjoy setting a night aside a week to do something specific with each child / as a family. Having that Tuesday night time where my son and I game is so valuable; we both look forward to it, while my daughter looks forward to some 1:1 time with her stepdad.
I know there's going to be a time when my children will want to spend time with other people and not me, so I'm making the most of it while I can!
How do you handle moments of stress or overwhelm related to balancing work and parenting?
Honestly, sometimes I just have to walk away from what's stressing me out and take myself for a time out! Haha. Usually it means that I just go to the kitchen to make a coffee and take some deep breaths.
I do find talking and being open with not only my partner, but the kids too can help them understand when I'm feeling particularly stressed out or overwhelmed. I fully believe in explaining things to the kids to help them understand what's going on, so that know that it's not them I'm getting stressed at, it's the situation.
Saying that, don't get me wrong - the kids can drive me up the wall! Hormones are rife and we go through periods of time where every day is a rollercoaster of moods and emotions. When that happens we tend to take some time to talk to each other and try to a) find out what's going on with the person who's not feeling great - what are they feeling? What's triggered this? and b) find someway to help and make things better / easier for them (even if that's just giving them some space).
As the children grow and develop (from the terrible twos right to these tweenage / teenage years) I need to constantly remind myself that they're going through some confusing / learning times too. At the end of the day, I just want them both to know that I love them, I'm always here to talk to them without judgement and will always be there to help them in any way I can.
How do you prioritise self-care and personal time amid your busy schedule?
Sometimes I don't and this is when I really start to struggle. It can be so hard factoring time for yourself when everyone wants and needs a piece of you.
Sometimes it's a case of just telling everyone that I am going for a soak in the tub and therefore, will be unavailable for anything during that time, sometimes it's just enjoying nipping to the shops on my own and having some "quiet time".
When you're a working mum, you've just got to take it where you can get it. As the kids have got older, I've got a lot better at building and pre-empting time for me, but this has only come about because I know how quickly my mental health can go downhill when I don't do anything for myself.
It's that oxygen mask mentality... "If I don't get an hour to myself today, I am going to break and I can't let that happen because everything will fall to pieces".