"Was I still ambitious? Yes. But was it my be all and end all? No."
Meet Kim, who promotes self-kindness as a strategy for success.
Happy Saturday!
Welcome back to Double Shift. It’s been a busy week for us, with the launch of Ellie’s new podcast ‘Help Me, I’m Poor’ and Ella’s scribbling away for Maternal Mental Health Week.
If you’ve ever felt a bit lonely in motherhood - especially in those early weeks, you’re not alone. 94% of us have. In addition, 3 out of 4 expectant and new mums have experienced mental health struggles. So, this one is for you. Thank you to all of the mums who helped shape the piece.
Stylist - “Motherhood can be isolating – here’s what helped me feel less alone”
There’s another article coming next week from Ella about the state of mat pay - followed by a special issue of Double Shift which will feature all of the mums that the wordcount wouldn’t allow for!
Have an amazing week - speak soon!
Ella and Ellie x
Today, we meet Kim. She’s an experienced coach and former HR leader who specialises in helping overwhelmed working mums find balance and fulfilment, both at work and at home. As the founder of Kindness for Success, she empowers clients to redefine success on their own terms - ditching the myth of "having it all" and instead living their all with extending themselves kindness in the same way they do to others as a key enabler. She lives in Twickenham, Greater London with her husband and two kids, Dylan, 9, and Isobel, 6.
What is your approximate household income?
Eeeek is it weird I'd prefer not to share? Let's just say less now that I am self-employed!
Can you share your journey to becoming a parent?
It took 9 months to fall with our first and then we felt very lucky we had a smooth pregnancy. We knew we wanted a second and I naively ‘assumed’ that as my body knew what to do, it would be easy. Sadly, we experienced 2 miscarriages before successfully conceiving again and having our daughter. I definitely didn’t relax in that pregnancy as much as the first, given the miscarriages, though overall we’ve been pretty fortunate, I’d say.
Did you save ahead of time for your child? What did maternity leave look like for you?
Ha! No! I think if we had stopped to think about how much it would cost (even a fraction of it), we’d have been scared off! So I was made redundant on my first maternity leave. It was left field for me, I’d been there almost 10 years, always exceeded on performance reviews and was fiercely loyal – trying to then go back into the job market, with a baby, with a big confidence knock was TOUGH. I ended up not going back until Dylan was 16 months old and initially just for 3 days, though pretty soon ended up back to 4 days. With our second, I was contracting for the same company my husband was employed at so I took a year (alas no mat leave) and my husband was able to take 6 months shared parental leave full pay – we spent 7 weeks with our then 3.5 yr old and 6-month-old travelling from Bordeaux to Nice, staying in 13 different places and creating a million precious memories!
What is your current working situation?
I’m self-employed, my husband is employed full-time.
How do your clients support you in balancing work and parenting?
Well, as it’s me, myself and I – I can balance how I choose within reason of course. By this I mean that yes, I now have the freedom and flexibility in school holidays or for things such as helping at school trips etc - though if I’m not working / marketing / following up on leads, no one else is! What I’d say though, having been a parent in the corporate world and a big salary to boot now, I wouldn’t trade places. Does this mean we need to be tighter when it comes to going out for meals, going on holidays, thinking about what our outgoings are each month? Of course it does, but mentally I am in such a better place for it, as is my family, AND I get to do what I love and partner with women to support them move from frantic to fulfilled.
Can you walk me through a typical working day for you and your family? How do you manage the juggle?
Being self-employed, I can carve my day in how it works for the family. Most often I get the kids up, set for school etc and drop them off. We have childcare after school for 3 days, and then the other two, we tend to manage between my husband and I. Sometimes this looks like sticking them in front of the TV and continuing with work, others it’s doing bits with them / having play dates etc. We also have a bloomin’ epic friendship network, so we’re super fortunate that we can “yelp for help” to quote the beloved Paw Patrol (well – sadly it’s over in my house ☹), but honestly not sure what we’d do without sometimes!
What role does your partner play in managing childcare and household responsibilities?
On the whole I’d say we’re a good team, though would I say I’m the primary carer? Yes. The reason behind this is that the ‘stuff’ that sits around the day-to-day physical things such as sorting breakfast / making dinner / picking them up such as booking holiday clubs, replying to party invites, organising birthdays, arranging playdates, buying new shoes, dentist appointments etc, falls to me. That said, I wrote a LinkedIn post about just this actually as to be fair to my husband as much as it pains me to say it, I think there is certainly an element of me almost playing into traditional gender roles – perhaps some of it from my own experience growing up, partly probably due to a bit of martyrdom (anyone else?!) though also probably because I like to feel in control. I’m making a conscious effort to work on this, though.
What type of childcare do you use and how did you decide on it?
Before school ,it was nursery (where we live, the cost per day for our son was already over £100 – WTAF?!?!?) and a day with grandparents. To be honest, the grandparents day meant a 3-hour round trip each week, so as much as it ‘saved’ (perhaps not in petrol!) it was more to have a more chilled day, build bonds with grandparents etc. Now we use after-school clubs.
Do you receive any funded hours for childcare?
We received the 15 hours once both were 3. We don’t receive any now though - we use childcare vouchers through my husband’s employer, which supports from a salary sacrifice POV.
How much is your monthly childcare bill, and how does it impact your family's finances and budgeting?
It averages around £380 as we are out of nursery time, though keep in mind this is just for after after-school club on 2 nights a week for them. Since I set up my own business, we have scaled down to support from a family budget pov.
How do you feel about your current work situation?
I love what I do and I love the freedom and flexibility. That said, it is much tougher than having a fixed, steady monthly salary. It has taken some adjusting and is something we’re still figuring out.
What are the biggest challenges you face with your current work arrangement?
It happens far less now that I’m self-employed, though I’d say a challenge is the good old ‘guilt’ – i.e. if they’re in a club in the holidays or after school club and I’m working though not coaching, I can feel as though I ‘should’ be with them. On the other hand, if I’m off with them, I can feel as though I ‘should’ be working - as Kindness For Success is just me so if I’m not doing anything, then no one else is (especially when the kids are driving me nuts!). Fortunately for me though, my business is centred round self-kindness so I have been learning and building on this myself through this past year, practise what you preach and all that!
If you could change one thing about your work or childcare situation, what would it be?
I’d love it to be more accessible from a cost perspective.
How has your perspective on work and career changed since becoming a parent?
Massively. I was a work HORSE before having kids – I was a perfectionist, I lapped up external validation and felt such pride being awarded for if whether it was a ‘well done’ or something bigger like an award, performance rating or promotion. It wasn’t a healthy work ethic though. I tried to work in the same way once I had children. Not only did I realise it wasn’t sustainable (and to learn more about why I started Kindness For Success you can read my ‘story’ on my website), I realised that my priorities had changed. Was I still ambitious? Yes. Did I still want to work and have a career? Yes. But was it my be all and end all? No.
What advice would you give to other working parents trying to balance their careers and family life?
I’d encourage you to work out what your vision for your family is. It sounds a little contrived or like something you do in work though if you are a solo parent / parents living together / co-parenting – whoever is part of raising your child alongside you, HOW can you go about reaching your version of success if you haven’t a) articulate it for yourself and b) communicated it and c) seen how aligned or not your partner / other carers supporting you are? If they are, great! Getting the balance right of how the logistics work won’t be easy, but it will certainly be simpler than those of you who have very unaligned (not sure this is a word?!) views. It doesn’t mean it won’t or can’t work, it just needs more discussion, perhaps more compromise. I use a tool called the ‘wheel of life’ with my 1:1 clients and within my signature ‘frantic to fulfilled’ program. This can serve as a great starting point to consider what living YOUR all looks like (vs ‘having it all’) which can help if you’re struggling with getting to your vision. Another tip is to think about what YOU need within a given timeframe be it a day / week / month in terms of time with friends, time for exercise, time to just BE – contract with each other so it’s not only one person getting time away from the kids (and let’s face it, we’re all better parents once we’ve had a bit of space and time to step out of the parent hat, even for a short while).
How do you handle moments of stress or overwhelm related to balancing work and parenting?
Kindness! Self-kindness to be more precise. There are no guarantees in anything and parenting is no different, nor are moments (and more!) of stress and overwhelm that can come from balancing work and parenting. I created a self-kindness compass which comes with 4 questions – the first of those is all about ‘need’ “What do I NEED, right now?” it could be something as simple as taking a breath, removing yourself from the situation for 30 seconds, a drink of water or sometimes just giving yourself the permission to feel how you feel. Know that you are NOT alone.
How do you prioritise self-care and personal time amid your busy schedule?
Without wishing to repeat myself, extending myself kindness the same way I do to others. I’m a huge advocate for ‘micro-moments’, be it sitting in the garden with my book for 10 minutes, calling a friend for a chat, treating myself to a cookie or wearing the special perfume on a random Monday working from home. Yes to the slightly ‘bigger’ things such as a night away with friends, going on a solo shopping trip or just having a day to yourself with NO plans – to coincide with the first ‘birthday’ of Kindness For Success I created a cake analogy of self kindness with the different parts – the sponge, buttercream, icing and of course, cherry on the top. If anyone is intrigued, I talk about it in the second edition of my newsletter the Kindness Chronicles, if you subscribe you will receive access to past editions.
Anything else to add?
A thank you! I’ve enjoyed this interview and am all for anything that continues the conversation on the crazy , wonderful, hectic, challenging, rewarding, stressful, frantic AND fulfilling of parenting and working.